Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men
There are few things in life that are legitimately bad ass. Neither your colleague who mentions the intro to Roundabout by Yes, nor the intro itself, are bad ass. Mustaches, also not bad ass.
I stand corrected. This mustache is pretty bad ass. Maybe it’s because I can’t really grow one.
As far as music goes, there’s one band that comes to mind when I think of bad ass. They happen to have the #4 album on my list.
In a most curious of happenstances, my local beer garden, the Lowry Beer Garden, is having an Avery tap takeover all day. Avery by my estimation, is certainly the most bad ass of beers. Sorry, Coors. (No, I’m not sorry.) I won’t lie – Avery is probably my favorite brewery. Depends on the day, but everything is so high quality that it’s tough not to like them.
So here’s my plan: head to the LBG, drink some Avery beer, and listen to my #4 metal album of all time:
Cowboys From Hell!
Better than Far Beyond Driven? Yes, and no. I’ll grant you that FBD is more brutal by comparison, but CFH announces to the world, “we’re taking over this town.” Although, I do admit that the video for 5 Minutes Alone is probably one of metal’s finest ever. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7m7njvwB-Ks) Have a better video? Let me know!
Boulder Weisse, Boulder Weisse You seem happy to see me!
I think the Von Trappe family sang about this beer…right? Yeah, it’s that scene right before they run away from the Nazis and hike over the Swiss mountains. Nuns somehow, channeling the power of their Lord, remove what looks like a massive part of a car…with their bare hands! I guess nuns can be bad ass.
Anyway, the Boulder Weisse. Aged in an oak barrel with Brett yeast, the Boulder Weisse is rather tasty. I didn’t get any ask for additional flavoring, because I wanted to enjoy the simple awesomness of the beer. Light, a good start. Deliciously bubbly, something pleasant to ring in the new (brew) year.
The missus had to get one as well. She really likes sour beers. More so than I do.
Wife: “It’s a good sour beer. Not too tart, but just right.”
I can go with that.
I like a good sour beer from time to time, but generally I tend to shy away from them. This one, however, was rather light in its sourness, which made it pretty yummy delicious. Can I say yummy and still be bad ass?
Next up:
Ale to the Chief!
What’s Ale to the Chief? Well, it’s an ale that’s apparently only broken out every four years. At least that’s what I’m told.
Ale To the Chief, He’s the chief and he needs ale-ing!
It’s bold, like Harrison Ford in Air Force One, (Get off my plane!) who I believe to be a more bad ass Commander-in-Chief than Bill Pullman in Independence Day, who was pretty solid himself. Especially when he’s all, “today, we celebrate, our independence day!”
Either were a darn sight better than Kevin Kline.
At 8.5%, it’s not for the faint of heart. You’ll notice the food. Delicious sweet potato fries. I’m going to need a bit of food. Did I mention that the Lowry Beer Garden has great food? I didn’t? Well, they do. While my favorite is the sweet potato fries, their fried pickles are pretty solid as well. And, if you’re a teacher, they give a sweet discount on food. Absolutely a place to go to for your beer/food fix if you’re on the east side.
Anyway, Ale to the Chief.
I guess it’s hoppy, but not by Avery standards, as they seem to like to take things up a notch more than what you would expect.
I would totally vote this beer into office, if one could do such a thing. One can, right?
Wife: “It’s like Bill Clinton. Smooth and unassuming, it will get you in the end.”
Hey-yo!
Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.
Next up: Out of Sight.
The Maharaja and Out of Sight
Outta sight!
Stout with coffee. Smells like coffee. Tastes like coffee. Can’t get my home-brewed version to be this coffee-like.
The missus absolutely had to go with The Maharaja. It’s her favorite Imperial IPA, and she blames me for not reminding her about the release party a few weeks earlier.
Wife:*glare* Why do you refer to me as “wife?”
I love, love, The Maharaja as an Imperial IPA. Would be a strong running mate with Ale To The Chief, if you don’t mind being ruled by an emperor. (Adam A., make it happen!)
I think I have room in my belly for one more. While there were 17 total Avery beers on tap, I’ve had most of them. (All of them, after tonight) But one seems to escape me for some reason. Either it’s out when I drive up to Boulder, or it simply isn’t available:
Tweak.
Apparently they wanted to call it Meph Addict (since it’s Mephistopholes Stout brewed with coffee), but for some reason they decided to pass on that name.
Tweak!
Wow.
Massive.
Damn.
15% abv, 100% awesomeness in each sip.
The missus went with Hog Heaven. It’s a great Barleywine, both malty and hoppy, and a perfect example of how Avery can go bold but create for the masses, but back to the Tweak.
This is amazingly chewy. Coffee flavor still not as strong as Out of Sight, which was like drinking a coffee plantation, but still noticeably present. Glad I went with this for my dessert. I now realize that there’s some leftover cheesecake in my fridge at home.
Wife: “Oh man, that’s got a nice nose. I wouldn’t call it dessert, though.”
I guess we have different opinions on dessert…
Crap. I was supposed to cover Cowboys From Hell. Guess I’ll do that later, especially since there was no Uncle Jacob’s stout.
[to be continued…]
[time passes…]
aaand, we’re back!
Epic!
And I’m home.
Uncle Jacob’s Stout.
Uncle Jacob’s Stout is arguably the best release of 2012. After grabbing a few over the summer, I put them away to let them mellow. Tonight, I just had to crack one open.
[Takei] Oh my. [/Takei]
Still quite fierce, but what would you expect at 17.45%? Honestly, it tastes like a 12%. Anyway, like I’ve said before, Avery has a gift. They can take high abv beers and still make them chewy and delicious.
This beer is like the bully in high school that said, “I’m going to beat you up, and you’re going to like it.” Except for the fact that I actually do like it. What, I was the only one?
The part that makes it really awesome is the smell of bourbon emanating from the glass. Bourbon has grown on me, despite an “incident”, where I mysteriously ended up on my porch at 4 am after being introduced to it. You smell the bourbon, but it doesn’t overpower at all. At. All.
Wife: “It has a nice vanilla flavor to it. It’ll really be nice in another year.”
This is why it was the obvious choice pairing for Cowboys From Hell. Like Pantera, Avery beers get better with age.
On to the album.
Cowboys From Hell
Anselmo wailing, Dimebag…also wailing, this pulls no punches from the start. Although, these kids on YouTube do a pretty good job of covering the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_j1VcYDa2dg
Wife: “I don’t know.”
Primal Concrete Sledge
Gets right to the point. 2 minutes and change of terror. Uncle Jacob still smooth. Topping off.
Psycho Holiday
I’ve seen Pantera categorized as “Groove Metal”. With this tune, I can see why. Amazingly catchy, and now I think I need to top off with the last of the Uncle Jacob Stout.
Wife: “I was watching them (points to tv) make peach ice cream.”
Heresy
Oh, Dimebag. You left us too soon. At about the 3 minute mark, things change up, and I’m a big fan. Love it when bands do this. You’re going one way, then, whoah! The missus is really invested in what’s going on with the Cooking Channel right now.
Cemetary Gates
Don’t talk to me about the spelling. I know how to spell cemetery, but that’s how it’s spelled. Reminds me of This Love, but more, I dunno, epic.
Wife: “It’s quite nice.”
Domination
Man, I wish I could play. I’d probably play this all the time.
What about Shattered/Clash With Reality/Etc? Pretty solid, but right now I’m feeling the need to move ahead because I’m 1. running out of battery power, and 2. working up a nice buzz from the stout.
Huh. Apparently on the Cooking Channel, there’s a TV show where Mo Rocca invades grandparents and cooks with them. I don’t know how I feel about that. “Hey, I’m Mo Rocca. Let me into your kitchen. Tell me about the [insert historical event] that happened in ought-something…”
The Sleep
This one seems like the only one on the album that doesn’t seem uniquely “Pantera”. I don’t know why. It’s a solid song, probably fitting for where I am in the evening. Ah, nice and calm. I like a slow groove from time to time. Still, something I…
Oh my God, that grandma on tv just made something that looked like something the cat (Captain Fatass) threw up.
Wife: “They were called butter babies.”
The Art of Shredding
Ah, now this is back to sounding a little more Dimebaggy.
End Result:
Avery Brewing – Awesomely awesome, with moments of brew-tality.
Pantera: Equally as awesome, more brutal than the beer.
Paranoid about Parabola?
I love lists. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s about order. Maybe it’s about argumentation. Most likely, it’s probably about both. The other day, when I was probably supposed to be thinking about something productive, I got to thinking about what I thought should be the top 5 classic metal albums of all time. With a good list in mind, I decided to ask my friends of their opinion. Well, we were mostly on the same page, save a recommendation for Twisted Sister’s Stay Hungry and Spice World. (Spice World?!)
While the thought of Baby Spice did distract me for a moment (sorry Dee), I had to get back on task.
Oh, Emma…
Top 5 classic metal albums of all time.
Sure, you could argue another album in, but could you argue one out of the top 5? That’s what I was going for. I was also going to make an effort to list only one album from each band mentioned, which, as you will see, became even more challenging.
Hold on now, isn’t your blog about beer? Well, Malts and Metal go together like…shut up! OK, so anyway, now that I had my list, I got to thinking, “what would I drink if I were listening to these albums?” Naturally, Jack and Coke was off-limits, this being a beer blog (sorta), and I decided that it was time to open up some goodies that had been sitting around most of the year (in some cases, more than a year.) For additional fun, my wife decided that she wanted to join in. I’m guessing it’s because it’s the only way that I would share my stash. However, I told her that she had to listen through all the albums.
Alright! Let’s get to Album #5
How can you argue against something so influential? First things first, however. Time to raid the stash:
Firestone Walker Parabola, Circa 2012.
Epic Beer for an Epic Album!
Nice pour, wine-barrely nose, oaky taste. This is one of my favorite imperial stouts. I don’t like it because it receives consistently high scores on beer snobby websites…I like it because it’s awesome. It’s truly a treat!
Wife:“Nice. Chocolate and coffee, my two favorite things.”
So I take a sip (or three) and load up the album. First up:
War Pigs
What Paranoid was originally going to be titled, but apparently they were worried about turning off the audience. Seriously…have you ever seen hippies angry? Besides, hippies like a good protest album “Dude, that’s like, so wrong,” so I think they should have gone with it. Ooh, air raid sirens. A harbinger for things to come? Among other musical revolutions, Sabbath introduced the concept of rhyming identical words, like masses with…masses. This is a serious groove – I’m sure you can trace stoner metal back to this point in time. Oh, and Faith No More really f’ed up their cover. Not as bad as Tesla, however. Probably one of my favorite outtros of all time, next to Mr. Crowley. Coincidence?
Wife: “I’ve always liked War Pigs. It has interesting social commentary on politics.”
Nice lace on the glass from the Parabola. It’s ABV is listed at 12.5%. I can see that. Can’t really taste the 12.5%, though. It’s smooth. Like, Colt 45 smooth. Billy Dee Williams would be proud.
Paranoid
A throw in to the album. Catchy, but doesn’t make much sense. Love the Megadeth cover of this version. (Nick, Nick, Nick!) Easy for noobs like me to strum along, so it’s a winner in my book.
Wife:“It reminds me that Ozzy used to be good. The Parabola is excellent! I don’t find it to be as hoppy as the 82 IBUs would suggest.”
Planet Caravan
Good cover by Pantera. This has a “2AM-bar-is-closing-need-to-find-someone-to-hook-up-with” feel.
Wife:“Sounds like some dude sitting at an art house in a corner. Nobody is really paying attention to him. What’s up with that dude? Dunno, angst.”
Iron Man
Tony Stark rules. Actually, Pepper Potts rules.
Pepper Pepper Pepper, can’t you see? Sometimes your, uh, words, just hypnotize me.
Not sure what the lyrics are supposed to mean, but I think Sabbath really nailed the outtros on this album.
Wife:“One of the most overplayed songs, ever. Rates right up there with Crazy Train.[Ay! Ay! Ay!] And now, Ozzy moves just like Iron Man.” <–The lyrical one, not Tony Stark.
Electric Funeral
Bwom Bwom BwomBwomBwom! Nice groove. That’s how I feel about most Ozzy-era sabbath songs. They’re…groovy. Dio era, that’s another post for another time. (Note: If I started a Dio cover band, I would call it Dragons and Rainbows.) Anyway, it would not surprise me if Mustaine gathered inspiration for Dawn Patrol/Rust In Peace…Polaris from Electric Funeral. Bwom Bwom BwomBwomBwom! Bwom Bwom Bwom
Wife: *Raises shoulders and shrugs* “Eh.”
Max, my cat, AKA Captain Fat-Ass, just yowled.
Nearing the end of my Parabola. It gives off different notes as it warms up. Bourbony, actually. Not sure how that happened.
Wife: “Give me a second.”
Hand of Doom
Probably the weakest offering on this album, but that’s not really meant to disparage. Good, bluesy tune. Really picks up and becomes a lot more fun. Split into two songs that really don’t seem to fit together.
Wife:“I don’t know. Certainly not a favorite. It’s tough to miss the protest theme of this album.”
Rat Salad
Going to finish off my Parabola while I listen. Personally, I probably would have named this something other than Rat Salad. It’s…ok as far as instrumentals go. Yeah, some drum solos are cool, I guess. If you’re Neil Peart. Seems more like filler to me. I like a good instrumental, if it adds to the album.
What you got against rats?
Wife:“Rat Salad? Just one f*cking bright ray of sunshine, aren’t they?”
Time to polish off the Parabola. While my tongue craves more, my liver reminds me that it is Thursday, and I have to go to work tomorrow. Also, I googled Rizzo, but got the chick from Grease. Not what I was going for. I guess it’s OK to admit that I’m a fan of Grease!, but only casually so. The Muppets, however? They kick ass. Every last one of those mother-lovin’ bastards. Even the curmudgeony pair, Statler and Waldorf. They taught me that it’s OK to point out when things suck, because, if you don’t, then other people will think that things are good when they really aren’t. Muppets. Always teaching. Good thing they passed away before Elmo came along. I’m pretty sure they would have tore him a new one. Literally, because he’s a Muppet. Jim Henson himself could not have stopped the onslaught.
Wife:“The more it warms up, the more you get bourbon, that’s for sure.”
Fairies Wear Boots
Love this song. F*cking love it. (Wait, I can throw around F bombs on my own blog, right?) Probably 2nd favorite next to War Pigs. Über-Catchy riff. Yeah, I get that this song was drug induced, but, wasn’t pretty much all of Black Sabbath’s stuff drug induced? Come on now, let’s be real. Speaking of real, my grandmother, God rest her soul, had a book of gnomes. It was a scary-ass book, because it had trolls in it, and the trolls were naked. Naked! No wonder I’m messed up now.
Wife:“What kind of fairies? Like the kind I should leave milk out for so that they don’t destroy things?”
Final words:
Parabola. Deliciously evil. Black Sabbath. Also.
Wife:“Parabola is great. Room temperature not the best for it, as the alcohol overpowers once it warms up.”
Parabola all done. Album all done. Thanks! See you soon for #4!
New Holland and the Cusack Family
Through some good fortune, I was given some beer from New Holland. The Poet. I love my stouts. I like to drink them somewhere between room temperature and refrigerated. Anyway, back to the velvety-smooth, mouthy oatmeal stout, whose namesake is a velvety-smooth mouthy poet. Simple oatmeal stout, unencumbered by unwelcomed additives. As pleased as he is with New Holland for making this beer, he must be as equally angry with the fact that John Cusack played him in
The Raven
Yeah, that guy.
Maybe I’m not being fair, I mean, he was pretty good decent in Grosse Pointe Blank, but I think Hollywood picked the wrong Cusack. Joan, now there’s a winner. “But wait,” you say, “she’s female!” So what? So is Sigourney Weaver, and last I checked, Aliens don’t want to mess with her.
Besides, aren’t we arguing about the badassedness of the Cusack family? Yeah, she was in Toy Story (twice), but I think those are points in her favor. Also, if you saw her in Addams Family Values, you’d know she’s cold enough to get the job done.
Straight up cold
To sum it all up On John Cusack, quoth the raven, “nevermore.” On The Poet, quoth my belly, “one more pour!”
My first post! A project.
Well, I figure that there’s tons of space on the interwebs, so why not fill it with more senselessness? Unlike “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo”, I will provide entertainment and promise not to dance…AND talk about beer. But not in a snooty way.
Anyway, let’s talk about my plan for tonight.
I got a board and some bindings. I don’t really know how to snowboard all that well, nor do I know how to install bindings. It can’t be that hard, can it? Ok, time for some motivation:
Lost Continent, a double IPA from Grand Teton Brewing. A DIPA in December? Why not, IDC. Citrusy, spicy, and something like 6 hops. Its malty deliciousness provides a Monday treat, like what MNF would be if you replaced Mike Tirico with Erin Andrews (ESPN, make it happen!)
Ok, back to the project. Let’s take a look at the directions.
Pictures? Just like IKEA, but confusing.
Uhh…
I guess it’s a good thing I’m good with degrees. A quick google search shows that I want about +18/+6. Cool. Done!
Angle Skillz, yo!
Finished!
Well, while I was putting this blog together, my wife drank the rest of my beer. That’s not good…or is it?
Most might be mad, but for me, it just means I get to choose another.
Who's next?
Hops Spring Eternal 